Well to all my fans, if I have any really. Sorry about being gone for so long. I moved to New Jersey from California about two months ago. It was kinda on a whim. But I have been working on lots of new stuff lately. I have been drifting from romantic poetry and headed in another direction. Mostly because I don't have any romance in my life so there isnt anything inspiring it. So hopefully in the next couple weeks I will have some stuff out from different styles of poetry.

Anyways, yal' have a good day.

This is something I wrote for a blog, its kinda an update on the reason I bailed out of Cali.

I find that many people that I have met ask me one initial question. "Why?" What they mean by this is why did I leave California for a town of 100 people in New Jersey.

Well first of all I would like to make it clear that I had no intention of arriving at this town. The only true plan was to leave California and head for the Thracker School for two weeks. Other than that there was no plan, is no plan, and there will be no plan. Where I am right now is a direct result of a decision based purley on an emotion I felt at a fork in the road.

So that answers why I am here, but it still leaves out why I left. There are so many reasons why, I could write a book about it. I intend on writing about some of the major reasons here though.

One of the most major reasons I left is simply I felt like it. I wanted change, something new. I guess most people can't stand the idea of change and uncertainty. But I grew up in those conditions and I guess its so normal for me that I embrace the idea of leaving everything up to chance.

I am also on a spiritual search, and I have no idea really how to describe this but I will do my best to remove misunderstanding. Searching for universal truths, and testing the ones I know already is something that I think I can only do in the face of great uncertainty. Seann once told me that the core of Ninjustu is built upon universall truths, and in order for them to be trully universall they have to work under every circumstance. So now I am putting it to the test. So far so good.

Stalking wolf said that pople seek four things in life: Peace, love, joy, and purpose. I lost these things in my life and came to the realization that they were not going to find me. That I was going to have to find them, discover the true meaning hidden in those words. Find out what they mean to me. I could have found these back home, I could have rediscovered them on the mats and with my friends. I wanted change. Can I apply those universal truths in my new life to fight off unrest, hate, sadness and apathy? I intend to find out.

Another large reason why I left was due to may family, but mostly my father. As many of you konw my father is a heavily addicted person who refuses to give up his many addictions. Its a painfull thing to catch someone you looked up to and idolized as a child, bent over smoking out of a crack pipe. When I was younger I always veiwed him as the strongest man in the world, I always wanted to be a carpenter like him. To catch him coveting a piece of tin foil and black tar heroin is a sight that did things to me. My perspective will be forever changed.

I still erember the day he taught me how to catch and throw a ball. It was a warm summer day. We were in the shade of maple trees watching Chris play baseball int he distance. If my memory serves me right his little league team had white uniforms with blue pinstripes. He was trying to encourage me to catch the ball in an old owrn down mit that no longer fit my older brothers. I was a timid kid and was never very cordinated. He kept telling me not to be afraid of the ball. to keep my eye on the ball and let my hand follow. The day he took my training pedals off my golden BMX bike, the same bike I would soon fly over and land face first on the pavement. I lost half of my face the the rough grit sandpaper that was the cement. I hand no right eyebrow, the road rash was so thurough that I had no skin on my gums. My lower lip, inside and out, was skinless. I did'nt get on a bike for for almost 4 years. The same bike chirs would take off a jump and fold the forks in half. Yet walk away unscathed.

I miss that man. Now, I believe he may have been more corrupt than my innocent eyes could see back then. I try to tell myself he was a good man once. The pain of thinking about him in the opposite way cuts to deep.

He has a way of brinigng everybody around him down with his black hole of self destruction. He drives everybody away eventually. So in order to keep them around he creates a hole, a void in their life. Then fills it. But he keeps you comming back for more, creating a dependancy. For most people it was drugs.

With my two brothers it started with cigarettes. He is not entireley to blame for that. Every elder in their lives that smoked is of equal blame for that. It did'nt end there, soon they would all start smoking weed together. All the while knowing that in their adolesence they would'nt be able to support the addiction, but he could. Still, pot isnt that bad. Kevin would soon fall into a cocaine addiction and from there Kevin and my dad would go into and tandem downward spiral. Going back and forth between cocaine, crack, oxy cotton, heroin and any thing else they could get their hands on. It was depressing to see their bodies loose substance, minds loose clarity, but worst of all their hearts lost all compassion. The compassion I knew and needed in life. I had no older male figure to guide me. Soon afterwards I would loose my mother to a crystal meth addiction. Stranded. I had no family.

I had no family when I think I needed it most too. I was just starting my teenage years. I had so many questions about life, girls, school. I had nobody to ask. There wasnt anybody to motivate me to keep up my studies. Nobody to ask how my day went. I was a wanderer from the day I started my walk into manhood. I spent almost every day at a friends house. Looking for something, anything to tell me where to go, what to do. This is where my friends came in. My friends were and still are the saviours of my soul. Without them I can't help but feel I would have fallen into all the traps waiting for me at home. They kept my spirits high, just out of reach of those hands that would have draged me down.

At some point I dicided that I was going to save my family. That I was going to do whatever I could in my power to pull them out of the gutter. I faught with them and for them kicking and screaming untill about three montsh ago. My mom got clean and I became a crutch for her. In fact I became a crutch for my entire family. If they were to become strong independent people then they had to shed the crutch. I knew they never would grow independent of me by choice, so here I am 3000 miles away, praying that they make it but knowing anything I do to help with enable them.

Leverage. Leverage works better the further you are from the object you are trying to lever. One day I told my dad that I wont talk to him untill he gets clean. He did'nt belive me, not untill he found out that I was in Jersey and never even told him I left. I havent spoken a word to him in over a month, and I am not going to untill I find out he is clean and sober.

Its no longer in me to fight for them. I can't keep putting off my dreams because somebody is in jail and needs to be bailed out. I can no longer wait for my family to catch up. Its up to them now. In my last convorsation with my dad he started yelling and calling me a pussy because I did'nt stand by my family when they needed me. Maybe its the truth, maybe it isnt. But I know he never stood by any of our sides when we needed him. From the age of 14 to almost 19 I did every god damn thing to help them. I worked 3 jobs, bought them food, paid for cell phone bills, gas, rent and whatever else they needed that I could provide. Whats a kid supposed to do. I would like to say that Chris is almost entirely exempt from all of this, he has been mostly independent and strong. He has a good head on his shoulders. But Chris you need to get the fuck away from them.

I don't know how to end this so I am going to write more later.